To preface this post, I understand that many people are going through much worse right now than my lost Fulbright year, but this is my little space to process.
I have been home for three weeks now, a scary thought considering I can barely remember the first one (too many tears?). This has been probably the most emotionally confusing and exhausting experience of my life.
I had less than 24 hours between finding out our grants were terminated – with no possibility of reinstatement – and leaving for the airport to board my flight from Curitiba to São Paulo. My last six hours in Brazil were spent alone, as my co-ETA’s had to leave even earlier, walking through my neighborhood and admiring the wild and beautiful plants that grow out of every sidewalk crack, up every wall, and just how much personality and life is packed into every single block.
After two years of learning Portuguese on my own, researching Brazil, applying, and waiting – I had barely enough time to say goodbye to our wonderful host professors, and no time to say goodbye to students, my university, yoga studio, and other friends I had made. I felt like I was back in the US after going through customs in São Paulo, which was quite frankly extremely jarring and heartbreaking. Suddenly there was no more need to use Portuguese, which I finally was feeling comfortable and confident in using. The mannerisms of people/workers and even flight attendants were shocking as I transitioned from all things Brazilian to American. Being “home” now too has been confusing. Five weeks is not a long time to be somewhere, but I had been building a home in Brazil, fully prepared to be there for nine months. Now I watch from afar – hoping for the best – as the virus work it’s way through there. The country was almost completely untouched while I was still there.
My heart is aching for the lost experience, all the moments of discovery in the classroom that I will not be there to witness, the language and teaching practice, and the opportunity to explore and converse and travel with my interesting and wonderful Fulbright friends. In a strange way, I am aching as well for the person I may have become had I had nine full months to myself to travel and grown and learn.
I am not sure what will come next, especially since this particular step in my life had been so clear to me for years. I have been dreaming of applying for a Fulbright since my years at Graham & Parks, and teaching English abroad since my time in Italy. Five weeks was not enough time to make my decision on pursuing a masters in ed, and certainly not enough time to address the law school question (but definitely enough time to raise it!)
Currently, Lauren and I are teaching four online classes to some of our students in Curitiba, which they will actually get credit for and gives me a small opportunity to dig into the work I would have done in Brazil. In addition, I will be mentoring and tutoring a Brazilian high school student, one of 18 chosen out of 3,000, as they go through the entire application process for US colleges and universities. Aside from that, I am looking into a couple of volunteering positions with NGO’s in Brazil (when travel permits). I am also designing a curriculum for myself to study Latin American politics and history (book recommendations welcome again) – there is so much to learn, and I sadly realized in my short time in South America just how little the greater international community turns it’s attention there.
I am also discovering some of the privileges of American democracy – I had my first experience contacting my congressman, who actually called me back and is doing a small part to put movement behind reinstating Fulbrighters who lost their experience this year in the next round in 2021. A few members of my ETA cohort also wrote personal statements, detailing the work we had begun, to the Fulbright Commission in Brazil. Much of this will likely amount in a dead end, but nonetheless, it feels good to try. I am not ready to close this chapter without the opportunity to even truly begin.
To close, I am incredibly grateful for the time I had in Brazil. I could not feel more confident in having made the decision to pursue this country, it’s people, language, and energy. Every single person I met reaffirmed all the work I put in to be there. I am so thankful for these five very special weeks, and the doors it has opened, though I am not sure yet what they are.
Below are some of my last unpublished pictures, mostly from my last week or so.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all those who read along with me during my time in Brasil, the most alive, colorful, and vibrant country I have ever had the privilege to experience. I hope to pick back up as soon as I can.
Beijinhos e abraços pra todos vocês.
Claire
PS. If you want to experience a little bit of the energy and love that is so much of Brazil, here are a few of my favorite songs:
“A Cor é Rosa” – Silva
“Trevo” – Ana Vitória
“Outrória” – Ana Vitória
“Ai Amor” – Ana Vitória
“Pra Vida Inteira” – Silva
“Beleza Rara” Ao Vivo – Silva
“Uma Brasileira” Ao Vivo – Silva
“Meia Lua Inteira” (Capoeira Larara) Ao Vivo – Silva
“Pra Sonhar” – Marcelo Jeneci
“Aquarela” – Toquinho
Claire in Brazil 
This is so beautiful and sad. I’m still crying. Love you and admire your determination and outlook for digging in to this experience and planning a return.
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